A dying heart
by Bonegee
Summary: A song on the radio causes Catherine to think back of her wedding, as she reflects on all that she's lost that day


**Disclaimer: Not mine**

Sitting in my car flipping through the channels there was one song that stopped me, that forced me to listen. Causing me to think back of my wedding, the day I hate most, the day I lost my chance at true love.

_Cath, she stands  
With a well-intentioned man  
But she can't relax with his hand on the small of her back  
And as the flashbulbs burst  
She holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child_

I remember Eddie standing next to me, in front of the altar of some cheap low-down location, and my best friend Gil sitting in the crowd, together with my friends, family and some coworkers from the palace. Standing there listening to the priest, I started thinking, is this what I want?

_And soon everybody will ask what became of you  
'Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do_

As I look back at Gil, wondering how I ended up here, standing in front of our friends and family, awaiting to be joined in holy matrimony. All the while still doubting my decision, and as I look at Eddie, who gazes at me appreciatively, I can't help but wonder, does he ever look at me lovingly? Does he want me for more then just my body? Does he even love me?

_Cath, it seems that you live in someone else's dream  
In a hand-me-down wedding dress  
Where the things that could have been all repressed  
But you said your vows, and you closed the door  
On so many men who would have loved you more_

Looking at Eddie I notice he's wearing an old suit, which, seeing as he never wears suits, is really special, but somehow it doesn't feel right. Looking back in my best friends eyes again, I know that Eddie would never be Gil, he will never understand me like Gil does, he will never appreciate me the way Gil does, he will never look as good in a suit as Gil does, and most importantly, he could never love me like Gil does. As I shook myself out of my haze I see Gil looking at me with a questioning gaze, but I also see he still has hope, hope I will turn away, hope I'd come to him. And then I heard it, Eddie had said 'I do'. It's up to me now, I can still get out of this.. I still have a chance at true love, all I have to do is walk away.. so WALK AWAY dammit!

_And soon everybody will ask what became of you  
'Cause your heart was dying fast, and you didn't know what to do_

'Do you Catherine Jayne Flynn take this man, Edward Jason Willows to be your lawfully wedded wife, your constant friend, your faithful partner and your love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, do you offer him your solemn vow to be his faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. Do you promise to love him unconditionally, to support him in your goals, to honor and respect him, to laugh with him and cry with him, and to cherish him for as long as you both shall live?'

Did Eddie really say yes to all of that? I know he had been unfaithfull before! I know he doesn't love me unconditionally, I'll always be right behind drugs, alcohol and music, can I say yes? Will I mean it if I say yes? Eddie is looking at me expectingly, and as I weigh my pros and cons one last time, I know I'll break his heart.

' I do.' I can't believe I lied in a church, was the only thing going through me as Eddie and I kissed. As I look to the crowd I see Gil looking disappointed, I see a few of my friends looking at me as if I am crazy, they all thought I would've backed out. Thought I would've done what was best for me, they know I love Gil, they know he loves me, and they also know that Eddie is, well questionable to say the least. But I did it. I said yes, because my baby needs a father, and although I know that no one could possibly be a better father then my best friend, and confidant, he wasn't the biological father. And my baby needs to know who their real father is.

_The whispers that it won't last roll up and down the pews  
But if their hearts were dying that fast,  
They'd have done the same as you  
And I'd have done the same as you_

As Eddie and I leave I look back at Gil one last time, thinking what it would be like if I said no, thinking what it would be like if the baby was his, my life would be perfect, but hey, I'm Catherine Fly.. No wait, Willows, Catherine Willows, and I am just not that lucky. I hug Gil one last time before we head off to celebrate our 'wedding night' and I know Gil and I will be okay, eventually. But for now I will just have to live with the fact that I crushed my best friends heart, and that I lost my one chance at true love.

* * *

As I wipe away the remaining tracks of tears I walk into the lab. There wasn't much good that came from my marriage with Eddie, I was never happy, but I got a great girl out of it, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Lindsey is my life, and although I know Gil is the only one who could heal my broken heart, who could make our family complete, I know it'll never happen. Because I lost my chance, and as I said before, I Catherine Willows, am just not that lucky.

**The end, **

**SOng is Cath by Death cab for Cutie**

* * *


End file.
